This is a journal entry from 2013 but every now and then I need a reminder. I’m posting it here in case you need a reminder too.
I woke up very early this morning and couldn’t go back to sleep, so I began my day’s devotions. By now I should know when that happens, it’s fixing to change my life and God is allowing me extra time to compose myself before my family wakes up and sees me broken and weeping.
IF the absolute worst case scenario happens in my life…THEN what??
As a wife and mom my top two very WORST fears have always been:
“What if something horrible happens to my husband?”
“What if something horrible happens to my children?”
In the past sometimes my mind would be tormented worrying about it.
When each of the kids learned to drive,” what if they have a wreck?”
When they began moving out on their own, “what if they got hurt and no one knew to contact me?”
“What if Mike had an accident while traveling on a business trip?”
“What if he gets sick and we can’t make ends meet?”
“What if he was in a bad car accident and I lost him?”
Sometimes the worry would be so real I would actually tear up and get all in a dither as if it had already happened…and then the kid would walk in late for curfew or Mike would call and say his plane was delayed.
Lets face it, MOST of our “What ifs” never happen and it’s a lot of wasted emotions and energy…but sometimes………
I have felt God touching my heart with a whisper to “examine this closer” for a few weeks now, but I kinda danced around the edges because this devotion just felt to big and deep and scary to examine too closely. Today’s devotions addressed all of that and there was no escaping it. Here’s the deal:
Satan does not have the power to MAKE something happen in my life. Only God has the plan and the power to bring about circumstances and situations in my life according to His best plan for me. So since Satan cannot touch me without God allowing it, Satan works overtime plaguing my mind with FEAR of something horrible happening. And in the past I have trusted God to the best of my ability and prayed for Him to prevent the horrible “what ifs” that came to mind.
But this year he saw fit to allow it. The two biggest fears of my life happened. Suddenly I was thrown from the “WHAT IF…” Straight into the …”NOW WHAT??”
“IF Alisa is in a bad car accident and almost loses her life…” Became “Alisa has been in a critical car accident and is barely alive, please hurry!” And now for the last 6 months we have been trying to figure out the “NOW WHAT?” part. Prayers, surgeries, therapies, medications, predictions….it’s been a whirlwind, and only recently have things slowed down enough for me to dwell on this thought:
The WHAT IF happened….and during the “NOW WHAT?” I discovered GOD WAS THERE FOR ME! He daily whispered to my soul, “I’ve got this! Trust me! Be still and trust me!” And we made it through! Just typing it makes me cry! We made it!!
…and then the other huge “WHAT IF” hit us. UNBELIEVABLE! My heart raged at God for a time. My emotions were so scrambled and my trust was so shaken!! “God, WHY?! I TRUSTED YOU! I’VE BEEN SEEKING YOU AND BELIEVING THAT YOU HAVE US IN THE PALM OF YOUR HAND!! WHY THIS? WHY NOW??”
The night of Mike’s cancer diagnosis, I lay in bed thinking “I can’t go through this. I just can’t. I cannot watch him suffer and live with a cancer sentence over him forever. I can’t live through this.”
But here is what I learned:
God allows us to be mad.
God allows us to weep.
God allows us to grieve.
…but then He provides the answer to the “NOW WHAT??” And this morning He opened my eyes that it’s time to get up off the floor.
Dust off my knees.
Dry my eyes.
Square my shoulders and look Satan in the eye….and tell him “HERE’S WHAT!! I demand my joy back in Jesus name! And next go round you’ll discover that my faith is STRONGER than ever! I refuse to quake and shiver over your “WHAT IF’s” because they already happened and now I know I BELONG TO HIM. I AM HIS BELOVED CHILD and IF HIS PLAN FOR MY LIFE TAKES ME THROUGH SOME MORE WHAT IFs, HIS GRACE WILL BRING ME THROUGH!! HE WILL NOT DROP ME IN THE FIRE AND TURN HIS BACK!”
My God is not only the God of the good times, when I’m living the happy, peaceful, joyful times. My God is also God in the dark days, the depressing, scary, sad and hurting days. He has proven himself to me time and time again and I WILL TRUST AND NOT BE AFRAID!
God has taught me some extremely personal lessons. He has dealt with me about some very personal issues that I am sure I would have never been open to if I hadn’t been put in the fire.
I do not believe I am putting a target on my back for Satan to take potshots at by posting this because I now know they cannot hit their mark unless it is in GOD’Ss PLAN, and if it is in His plan HE CAN BE TRUSTED!!